Mrs Gideon

I do not make a habit of venting my annoyance via a Feedleash but today I feel that I really must take issue with you all over the...nature of my mail in the hope that one of you can shed some light on this...malicious and vile act.

Amongst the letters lying across my doormat this morning was a small cardboard box. Opening this package excitedly, I anticipated the arrival of some particularly rare gink samples that I had been promised for some time by Professor Whitlark at the University of Reptilian Studies. However, upon opening the box, I found to my horror that it contained a partly rotted vegetable. A partly rotted aubergine, to be exact.

For certain reasons which I do not care to divulge I find this particular vegetable absolutely...repellent. What’s worse is...I must also point out that the aubergine had been coated in a layer of bright blue acrylic paint. This distressed me a great deal. To explain – this particular item appears regularly in a recurring nightmare in which a tall, featureless man in green jacket pursues me and then...well, it is not a dream I care to dwell on. That is all I wish to say.

Exactly what kind of...disturbed individual would send such an item through the post? Is this some kind of prank? If so, I find this type of behaviour neither endearing nor amusing.

If you are the sender of this...bizarre package, please stop. This is not funny. Not funny at all.

Finally, Mr Rogers and I are able to switch off from Medusa business and enjoy the Christmas break.

Our products have been selling online at a most pleasing rate, which means that we are able to put another pressing of our first jazz CD into production. My weekly trips to Ronnie Scott's have re-invigorated my passion for the genre, and now our days reverberate to the sounds of be-bop and smooth jazz. We are already planning to launch a second album in the Spring, which I am thrilled about.

Mr Rogers and I are treating ourselves to a box of chocolate-covered locusts and some new silk sheets. We feel slightly naughty but I feel that we have a right to indulge ourselves after all our hard work.

There appears to be a homeless person loitering around outside the apartment block. He has been there for most of today, gazing up at the windows. While I am all in favour of being charitable to the poor, at this time of year, I think I should perhaps call the police. The man appears to find the contents of my dustbin highly fascinating. Mr Rogers also senses that something is untoward, and so I must bend to his reptilian instinct on this.

I shall call them right away. In the meantime, we would like to wish you all a very Happy Christmas and the best of health for the new year.

I have to admit that when Mr. Rogers first suggested recording and selling CDs, I was rather unsure as to how Medusa's new business venture would turn out. However, I should know better than not to have faith in my wise invertebrate companion. Sales of his Drum ‘n’ Basss CDs (the extra ‘S’ added at his insisstence) have been simply marvellous.

In fact, sales are going so well that I am now considering introducing my own musical tastes to our portfolio. Last night, after a particularly satisfying dinner of mice and locusts, Mr. Rogers and I stretched out with full bellies and a glass of wine, tuning into a particularly wonderful jazz concert on BBC4. For a while, I was lost in my own reverie. The spirit of jazz has a way of drawing you back.

My own jazz club days are somewhat hazy, for reasons I don’t care to divulge, but the sound of a well-played trumpet solo still manages to send a shiver up my spine. Perhaps we’ll pay a visit to Ronnie Scott’s in the next week or so, to carry out some further research. I think, with the right marketing, jazz could prove a successful genre for Medusa to explore.

I am enjoying this re-birth of business. It is like shedding my skin to begin again.

After months of travelling through tropical rainforests and deserts, Mr Rogers and I have completed our Medusa Guide to Snakes. A very generous offer from an unknown benefactor enabled me to finally achieve my dream of documenting every known species. Snakes are such beautiful creatures, the way they move, so sensual and erotic. I shall never tire of them.

I didn't think it possible, but Mr Rogers and I became even closer during our expedition. He persuaded me to re-tune my ear to the drum and bass music he is so fond of. I'm now considering how 'Medusa' might produce a series of CDs in this vein. If anybody has any suggestions to add to this, or could put me in touch with the appropriate people, Mr Rogers and I would be very grateful.

This is a very interesting contraption. I'm hoping it may help me meet new clients for Medusa. My dear slithery serpentine darlings could do so much better than being wrapped about wanton whores in bikinis in smoky strip clubs every night. It's so demeaning.

Mr Rodgers is suffering too. He wants to dance again. He's recently developed a prediliction for speed garage, which I can't say I care for. I've tried to teach him the ways of jazz but he's not interested, and far be it from me to upset him. I'm happy enough, but I feel I need to expand somewhat. Any ideas? My snakes are highly trained and immaculately behaved, and I'm willing to negotiate fees.